I Can't Love You Back
by RBCrazyFan
Summary: Traci/Jerry songfic - no matter what she does, her love isn't strong enough to bring him back


Disclaimer: I don't own Rookie Blue or I Can't Love You Back by Easton Corbin

A.N. Huge thank you to dcj for introducing me to this song (if you haven't read her Sam/Andy "Love You Back" you should - it is one of my favorites) - after 3.09, I wanted to use this song for Traci/Jerry.

A.N.2 - This is unbeta'ed, unedited - "real life" starts again tomorrow so I don't know how much time I am going to have to write for the next few weeks.

Enjoy!

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It was a few weeks after Jerry was killed. She was sitting on the sofa, once again looking through pictures. It was her day off and Andy had offered to come over, as had Gail, but she knew that they were both having their own relationship issues, Gail as she navigated the waters of publicly being with Nick and Andy with Sam saying he couldn't be with her and be a cop. She told them both that she needed alone time and that she knew that they were both a phone call away if she got desperate.

She had been going through pictures since she woke up. She was thinking of learning how to make a montage of pictures with Coldplay going in the background and wrote it on a pad. She was sure Dov knew how to do it or could find someone to teach her. She just had to do something with these pictures, something to mark their time together.

Suddenly she closed her eyes. She needed music. Music had cheered her up after the late nights with Leo, after the fights with Dex, after the rejection by every guy before Jerry once they found out that she had a kid.

She grabbed the remote and felt a small shiver run through her body. The last person to touch the remote had been Jerry. He had been listening to some station, trying to find music for their wedding. He told her he wanted a little bit of everything at their wedding.

She sighed and turned the stereo on, with a little flair like Jerry used to do. Some country song was on and it became background music as she continued to go through the pictures.

When the third song came on, the tune sounded hauntingly familiar. Her gut told her to change stations but her curiosity won out. As the words began to accompany the music, she found herself frozen, unable to move.

_I can love you in the morning_

_I can love you all day_

_I can love you even more when I get home_

_I can love you every second_

_to the ends of the earth_

_Where needing you's the only thing that's on_

_my broken one track mind_

She loved him every morning, she loved him all day. He was always at the back of her mind throughout her work day. But when she came home, to their apartment (the apartment he wanted to move out of when they bought a house), that was when her love for him felt even stronger. She never wanted to move out, it was something of his that she could hold on to.

She loved him every second, she loved him to the end of the earth. He said she held the key to his heart, he held the key to hers and the only thing she could think about when she was home was how much she needed him. That was why she had stayed by Andy's for almost a week after his death, she couldn't be home alone.

_Girl, I love you crazy_

_It comes so easy, after all we had_

_I could love you with all my heart_

_But the hardest part is_

_I just can't love you back_

A small smile flitted across her face as she heard the word "girl". She used to tease him that he was such a girl, there were times when he cared about his appearance more than she cared about hers.

She loved him crazy. It came so easy after all they had. All the time together, especially how he was silently there while she was trying to make it work with Dex. She loved him with all of her heart and soul. The hardest part; love wasn't strong enough. Her love couldn't bring him back. It couldn't bring him back even for a minute, for her to give him one last kiss goodbye.

_I could write a thousand letters_

_Call a hundred times a day_

_Or try to drown my sorrow at the bar_

_I could go down to the church_

_Get on my knees and pray_

_But it still won't change the way things really are_

_Won't bring you back again_

She could write a thousand letters. Jerry's mother, the woman she already considered a second mother, had suggested writing in a diary. She said it had helped when Jerry's father died. And it did. Every night she wrote in the diary, every night she wrote him a letter about her day and how much she missed him. And when the pain got too great, she dialed his phone number. They had recovered his phone and returned it to Jerry's mother. The two women called it all the time, she was thankful that she had taken the time to show him how to record a message for the voicemail. This way she could still hear his voice.

The only reason she didn't drown her sorrow at the bar was because of Leo. The little boy was like a son to Jerry and she needed to be strong for her son, to show him that they had to keep living, they had to honor Jerry's memory.

She didn't go to the church, but she went to the cemetery a lot. Especially after a tough day, she would go sit with him for a few minutes. She knew praying wouldn't bring him back but she hoped that wherever he was, he was looking down and noticing that she still loved him, that it still pained her that he was gone.

_Girl, I love you crazy_

_It comes so easy, after all we had_

_I could love you with all my heart_

_But the hardest part is_

_I just can't love you back_

_I can love you for all I'm worth_

_To the ends of the earth_

_But I just can't love you back _

She loved him. It was simple, clear cut. It was easy. She loved him for all he was worth, to the end of the earth, but she still couldn't love him back.

The music continued until it faded out and she quickly turned the stereo off. She reached for her phone, knowing that she needed to hear his voice and then she was going to visit him. Maybe she should call Andy, the song shook her up and she knew she probably shouldn't drive - no matter what she did, she couldn't love him back and sobbing all the way to the cemetery would just be asking for trouble and she couldn't leave Leo alone.

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A.N. Reviews make my day so let me know what you think.


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